Monday, 20 July 2015
10 Things Your Boyfriend Hates In You
Do you have a misconception that your boyfriend loves each and everything of you? If yes then change it because there are certain things which he hates in you! Want to know what are they? Scroll it down
1. Immature behavior
2. Over possessiveness
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Possessiveness is good till some extend but if it go beyond the limits; he will feel like quitting it.
3. Asking for attention all the time
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Your demand of seeking his attention is your right but annoying him again and again isn’t good.
4. Being a chatterbox all the time
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Of course he is a good listener and he likes to listen you but chatting all the time may pissed them off.
5. Not ready to listen anything
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We girls generally believes in talking rather than listening but sometimes we need to listen too
6. You take forever to get ready
7. Cry cry all the time
8. When you tell your personal things to your friends
9. When you flirt with others
10. No time for him
Have something else in your mind ? If yes then share it
Sunday, 19 July 2015
Relationship advice tip 5
Expect ups and downs
It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstanding can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.
Relationship advice for getting through life’s ups and downs
- Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to snap at your partner. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other ways to vent your anger and frustration.
- Some problems are bigger than both of you. Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person works through problems and issues in his or her own way. Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.
- Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.
- Don’t ignore problems. Whatever problems arise in a romantic relationship, it’s important to face them together as a couple. If an aspect of the relationship stops working, don’t simply ignore it, but instead address it with your partner. Things change, so respond to them together as they do.
Relationship advice tip 4
Healthy relationships are built on give and take
If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise, and it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.
Recognize what’s important to your partner
Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly compromising your needs for others' will build resentment and anger.
Don’t make “winning” your goal
If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while you were younger, or it could be from years of accumulated resentment building up in your current relationship. It’s all right to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what your partner needs, and compromise when you can.
Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.
- Make sure you are fighting fair.
- Don’t attack someone directly; use “I” statements to communicate how you feel.
- Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.
- Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and respect the other person.
Relationship advice tip 3
Never stop communicating
Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.
Learn your partner’s emotional cues
Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound, or touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of tea.
So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues—such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help you better understand what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are not.
Question your assumptions
If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to directly express your needs to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding, and anger.
Use your senses to keep stress in check
If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t be able to communicate effectively. The best way toreduce stress quickly and reliably is through the senses. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
Relationship advice tip 2
Spend quality time together
You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting, and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find time together. It’s critical for your relationship, though, to make time for yourselves. If you don’t have quality time, communication and understanding start to erode.
Couples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as life challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough times, reduce stress, and work through issues more easily.
Focus on having fun together
- Think about playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing flowers or a favorite movie home unexpectedly.
- Learn from the “play experts” together. Playing with pets or small children can really help you reconnect with your playful side. If it’s something you do together, you also learn more about your partner and how he or she likes to have fun.
- Make a habit of laughing together whenever you can. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when you approach them with humor.
Learning how to play again
A little humor and playful interaction can go a long way in relieving tense situations and helping you see the brighter side. If you’re feeling a little rusty, learn more about how playful communication can improve your relationship, and for fun ways to practice this skill.
Relationship advice tip 1
Keep physical intimacy alive
Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving touch and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood. Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life indeed.
Studies have shown that affectionate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners, physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However, intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is equally important.
Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want.
How to strengthen your loving relationship
How to strengthen your loving relationship
Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy times and sad:
What makes a healthy love relationship?
- Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.
- Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right.
- Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
- Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—are critical to communication.
Relationship Advice By Janis Abrahms Spring
'Forgiveness is not a gift - it's a transaction'
Janis Abrahms Spring, a clinical psychologist and family therapist, is the author of 'After the Affair’ and 'How Can I Forgive You?’
If you have been unfaithful, you must be “giving” to your partner in order to reconnect. We get attached not only by what we receive from our partner, but by what we give to them. Thinking about what matters to them, then consciously reaching out with acts of consideration and affection will not only make them feel closer to you, it may help you to feel closer to them.
Explore the root of an affair in order to move past it. If an affair happens, both partners need to explore why it happened, and ask themselves, “What does the affair say about me, my partner, and us?” Maybe one or both of you felt ignored by the other, maybe you felt dead and the affair brought you to life, maybe you were rebelling against the rules of the marriage the way you’ve rebelled against rules your whole life. Promises never to stray again are meaningless unless the “fault lines” within and between partners are addressed.
If you want to reconnect to your partner, you need to turn toward that person and treat them in ways that foster caring and closeness. You won’t figure out if you want to be with your marriage partner by busying yourself with other people or activities. People often want to feel loved by their partner before they begin the hard work of trying to repair their relationship. But I’ve often found that the opposite works: feelings of love may blossom after you've recommitted, taken a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship, and treated your partner in ways that foster trust and intimacy.
Understand the true nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a gift from the heart of a hurt partner – it’s a transaction between the two people held together by a violation. Unfaithful partners must work hard to produce bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair and take responsibility for the harm they caused. Hurt partners must work hard to encourage their partner to make good, take a share of responsibility for what created a space between them, and allow the injury to recede into the backdrop of their lives.
Work to rebuild intimacy. Becoming sexually intimate is often complicated and challenging, particularly after a troubled time. Both partners need to reach out with tenderness and compassion, recognising they may each feel vulnerable and raw. This is time to take off any pressure to perform and to put aside expectations for high performance and orgasms. The couple’s sexual intimacy will grow if each partner works to warm the space between them with acceptance and affection.
Relationship Advice By Judy Ford
'Using "argument enders" will strengthen your connection'
Judy Ford is a psychotherapist, counsellor and the author of 'Every Day Love: The Delicate Art of Caring for Each Other’
Be prepared for surprise and open to change. Love matures and changes as we mature and change. The qualities that make a loving partner are the same qualities that make a loving person. You and your partner are dynamic creatures. Just because you believed one thing when the two of you began your relationship doesn’t mean you will still believe that same thing years, months or even weeks down the road. As the two of you grow, your partner’s desires will change and so will yours.
Understand that you can only develop yourself. We often fall in love with a person who has the qualities that we would like to develop in ourselves. We see all the budding possibilities and are excited to be accepted by such a wonderful and perfect person. Watch out! This sometimes means that rather than developing the qualities in yourself that you would like, you will try to develop the other person’s potential instead, and this creates havoc.
Realise that it is in moments of restlessness and upheaval that you find out who you are and what it truly means to love. It’s easy to be considerate and loving to your partner when the setting is romantic, when you’ve got jingle in your pocket, when you’re looking good and feeling fine. But when one of you is out of sorts, exhausted, overwhelmed and distracted, behaving lovingly requires conscious effort.
Be kind. Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to assure a loving, intimate relationship. Kindness and having your partner’s back are essential. Using “argument enders” and “intimacy builders” will strengthen your connection. Argument enders include: “I never thought of it that way”; “I’d like to think that over”; “Can we continue this discussion tomorrow?”; “You’re right”; “I could have handled that better”; “I’m sorry, please forgive me”; “I know you’re sorry; I forgive you”. Intimacy builders could be: “Help me understand”; “I’m on your side”; “We are in this together”; “Good idea”; “Let’s give it a try”; “We’ll figure it out.”
It’s not about being right or making the other person wrong. Don’t allow your relationship to be about quarrelling. It is about understanding and learning to talk about hot subjects without getting heated. A relationship presents countless opportunities to rise to the occasion and be the best person and partner you can imagine. A relationship is working and playing together, it’s finding delight, joy and comfort in each other. It is about facing difficulties and eventually becoming wise.
Learn to use 'intimacy builders' and 'argument enders' when you disagree with your partner.
Relationship Advice By David Waters
'Instead of "working" at your relationship, learn to "play"'
David Waters is a couples counsellor and faculty member of The School of Life, where he teaches classes including 'How to Communicate Better in Love’
Be able to reveal vulnerability, even if it feels daunting. When we start a relationship we like to feel in control, powerful even – to protect ourselves from the vulnerability that comes with opening up to a lover. We may carry the hurt from past relationships, so we protect ourselves by trying to appear in control. Yet no relationship was ever deepened by lovers’ attempts to assert themselves over each other – rather, it is through the mutual exploration of their imperfections, fears and anxieties that true connection occurs. It may sound counterintuitive but it’s true.
Change the metaphor that you associate with developing your relationship. Instead of “working” at it, learn to “play”. “Work” feels heavy and makes us think of future struggles, whereas “playfulness” engages the things you associate with good times, childhood comforts and moments of spontaneity. This means that instead of navel-gazing and pondering, you’re coming at the difficult things in life with humour and a lightness of touch. A couple that can laugh together, even mid-row, is in a healthy place.
Learn to spend time alone. Developing a relationship with yourself, deepened by solitary pursuits, hobbies and taking time out from work and relationships, will pay huge dividends with your partner. You will come back to the relationship refreshed, more able to express your needs (as you’re more likely to know what they are). We will always ultimately be a mystery to each other – it’s more healthy for this to be acknowledged, celebrated even, than denied.
Don’t be cruel. According to research, people who sneer, ridicule or talk down to their partner are on a fast track to relationship destruction. Those in successful relationships hardly ever speak to each other that way, even when angry. If you find you want to be cruel to your partner, ask yourself what’s really going on. The fact they haven’t made the bed is never really the issue – it’s far more likely you fear that this means they don’t care about you. Instead of attacking your partner for their laziness, show your true feelings.
Adopt a new narrative. Instead of thinking of your relationship as an arc, with a beginning, middle and an end, try to think of it in terms of the seasons: spring, summer, autumn and winter. Harnessing the idea of seasons can be particularly helpful when couples start a family. Despite the joy that babies bring, they often feel like a bomb going off in a relationship – the exhausting demands of parenthood can feel overwhelming. Yet get through those first few winters of despondency and there will more than likely be the spring of renewal and love rediscovered.
Spending time on your own can help your relationship.
Relationship Advice By Irma Kurtz
'Set aside time without the children. Easier said than done, but important'
Irma Kurtz is a writer and journalist. She has been the agony aunt for 'Cosmopolitan’ magazine since 1970
Forget trouble for a little while and laugh together. A good laugh is like good sex: spontaneous and uninhibited and an act that unites two beings as one. It’s worth going out of your way to have a good laugh, especially if things have been rocky. Go to a place where you used to laugh or where there’s a good chance of laughter. That moment when you exchange a look and end up laughing, often over a shared memory, is the best way to understand each other again. It can be pretty sexy in bed too – as long as you’re laughing together.
Shut up and listen. No matter how bad things are, give your partner a chance to speak. Given silence in which to speak or rant, they’ll say more than they meant to – even more than they knew they were thinking. It can be surprising and revealing and paves the way for honesty. We tend to jump in with an opinion before we’ve heard each other out. Don’t scream, keep your cool: it makes a big difference. So often, things can be resolved by learning to listen.
Arrange time without the children. When you have kids you adore, find time to be just you alone so you remember and remind each other of who you were before they arrived, who you are now, and who you will be when they are gone. It’s natural that attention shifts to the children, but it’s a good idea to remember why you are together, and have a child together, in the first place. It’s possible to make it work by setting aside a time in the week and asking a relative to mind the children. Easier said than done, but important.
Invest in the relationship with your partner’s family. These relationships can be rocky. Keep yours smooth by remembering birthdays and anniversaries, by butting out of family disputes, and by never forcing your partner into the position of taking sides with you against their mother, father or siblings – those relationships go back a long way. Try to establish a friendship with the most sympathetic of your in-laws who can be your defender, if necessary, when you are not present. An ally in the family can also fill in aspects of the past that may help you to understand your partner.
Don’t snoop. If you’re tempted to check your partner’s inbox or online history, stop, talk to yourself (whatever the psychologists say, it’s good for you). Ask, “Wait a minute, am I doing this because I think my partner is up to no good?” If so, have it out with him or her – you don’t need evidence, you need a conversation. Suspicion needs healing. The internet is a great place for expressing wishful thinking – but it’s important your partner is able to talk to you about those feelings.
Talk to your partner before you're tempted to snoop.
Relationship Advice By Kate Figes
'There are different qualities to sex at different stages in a long relationship'
Kate Figes is an author. Her non-fiction books include 'Couples: How We Make Love Last’ and 'Our Cheating Hearts: Love and Loyalty, Lust and Lies’
Don’t expect to be one and the same. One of the more ridiculous myths about “true love” is the idea of the soulmate – that there is someone out there who is your perfect match. A good relationship is about navigating the numerous differences between you – over politics, food, money, how to raise children. It’s those differences that make life more interesting, as our lover opens up a whole new way of seeing or understanding the world. Enjoy what others have to offer rather than trying to change them to fit your own template of how life and love should be.
Accept that your partner is fallible. Expecting someone to be everything you need and everything you are not is a recipe for disaster. We all make mistakes, particularly in our love-lives, as relationships are never easy. But if you can exercise forgiveness in small ways at the start of a love affair then you’re more likely to find ways to forgive the bigger hurts and transgressions, if and when they happen.
Learn to talk about “why”. There are good rows and bad rows but make no mistake – everybody argues. Ridiculing or humiliating each other is not a good idea, or a good omen. But if you can both talk honestly about what irritates or upsets you and why, you are more likely to understand each other better. It can feel easier to avoid being honest if we feel that could be hurtful, but it is only with honesty that trust is built, and trust is the essence of a good relationship.
Accept that sex changes. There are different qualities to sex at different stages in a long relationship: first, passion; the urgency of reproductive sex; snatched sex in the early years of parenthood; then the slower intimacy of midlife onwards. But our culture presents only one type as being valid: youthful, vigorous, usually penetrative. It is possible to maintain a happy sex-life for decades with the same person. It may not be as often, or the sort of sex that you think you should be having, or think others must be having (but aren’t) – just relax and enjoy this special kind of intimacy together.
Appreciate what life still has to offer while you can. The great wonder of middle age is that we know our time is now limited. If you have managed to surf the ups and downs of bringing up children, work and making ends meet all within the same relationship, the rewards can be great. You have a wealth of shared memories to laugh over. You accept each other in your entirety. Rather than fearing getting older, remember that many couples in a long relationship find these to be their happiest years together.
Many couples find their later years to be their happiest (MBI/Alamy)
23 relationship tips for a better love life
If you’re looking for relationship advice for women, just keep these 23 tips in mind. It’ll help you experience better relationships and have a better love life too!
#1 Play with him. Playfulness is the one thing that holds a happy relationship together more than anything else. Just because you’re past your childhood doesn’t mean you should act all grown up all the time!
#2 Men are easily influenced by other men around them in their life. If his friends and other guys in the room think you’re a dream catch, he’ll fall more in love and stay more in love with you, and avoid straying away from you.
#3 Not all men understand the art of chivalry, romantic gestures and romance. Instead of giving up on him, show him the way by example, and he’ll learn to treat you with respect.
#4 Listen to his point of view before arguing back or cutting across him. It’s the easiest way to prevent tempers from rising. And don’t be condescending either!
#5 You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. Help your man understand you better and help him learn by example. But if doesn’t want to change for you, perhaps, he doesn’t respect you or care enough for you, and you need someone else who can love you for who you are.
#6 Don’t constantly remind him of his past failures. Men are very sensitive when it comes to past mistakes. He’ll clam up like a shell if you use his past failures to get him to accept defeat or listen to you.
#7 Don’t blame yourself. You’re never entirely at fault if the relationship starts to suffer. So don’t blame yourself completely if you’re experiencing a bad relationship. Accept responsibility, but don’t blame yourself unless it really is your fault.
#8 Men can’t read minds. As convinced as you are that men should have the innate ability to read a woman’s mind, they really can’t. So speak your mind and he will listen to your thoughts.
#9 No guy likes a drama queen, especially if she goes looking for ways to complicate the relationship.
#10 The silent treatment. Ignoring your boyfriend when he hurts you may seem like the best way to teach him a lesson. But truth be told, the silent treatment won’t make him stop hurting you, it’s only make him a better liar!
#11 You and your partner are a team. There are no winners or losers between partners. Either both of you will win or both of you will lose together. So any issue has to be worked out to better the relationship, not to win points.
12 Men think they hate high maintenance women. But that’s exactly the kind of girl they secretly desire.
#13 Love is a complex blend of physical attraction and emotional attachment for men. Make a man realize that he needs you emotionally before he sees all of you sexually.
#14 Every guy loves a girl who’s a lady on the street and a hooker in bed.
#15 Love is full of layers. Take time to fall in love, and experience the relationship one step at a time. Rushing too soon or moving in together too soon can make him think twice about his commitment to you even before he’s really fallen in love.
#16 Don’t let yourself go in you’re in a long term relationship. Sexual attraction plays a big part in a happy romance. Work out and look your best if you want your man to desire you more than he desires any other woman.
#17 Insecurity woes. Don’t let your insecurities get the better of you. Sex appeal is all in your mind and how you project yourself.
#18 Praise him for his achievements, even if it’s small. He’ll try harder all the time just to win your praise.
#19 Don’t try too hard to please your man if your gestures aren’t reciprocated. He’d just take you for granted. Instead, make him realize just how lucky he is to have you. Most guys just take things for granted instead of realizing how lucky they are.
#20 A man needs his space, even if he doesn’t ask for it. As long as he’s by himself or with his guy friends, you really have nothing to worry about. In fact, it’ll help both of you love each other better.
#21 Get kinky. A relationship needs to evolve all the time, and so does sexual intimacy. If you think your sex life is starting to get predictable or boring, try something new every now and then. Talking dirty is a great way to kickstart your sexual adventure.
#22 Don’t knee him below the belt using sarcasm or snide comments. If he feels helpless or emotionally violated, he’ll stop communicating with you.
#23 Be his shoulder to lean on. As macho as he seems, he’s almost always a child who needs a woman’s love to give him emotional strength.
These tips could seem pleasantly easy to follow. But as you read these relationship advices, do you really think you’re following all these tips in your own love life?
Am I a Lesbian?
While unpacking an oversize suitcase in my tiny, sweltering apartment in New York City, I could hear the gay-pride parade roaring past my window. Outside, French-kissing women and be-thonged boys danced their way down Fifth Avenue: free, flamboyant, uninhibited. I'd just left my quiet Midwestern town where "liberal" was the amount of mustard you put on your hot dog and gay seemed confined to Queer Eye. The rainbow-flag variety of self-expression had never seemed an option. So as I filled my sock drawer in one of the most sexually permissive places in the country, I wondered: If I'd never questioned my own sexuality, how could I be sure I was straight?
I spent every day that summer wondering if I was a lesbian. I forced myself to look at cleavage when I went out to a bar. I hesitantly pondered female oral sex. Once, I got naked and stared at myself in the mirror to see if I turned myself on. (I didn't.) I even made lists: I had kissed girls when I was 7 years old (lesbian); I'd made out with a guy the night before (straight); I was a hypercompetitive college athlete (lesbian); I was voted class flirt in high school (straight); I drove a Subaru (lesbian?).
This singular, nonsensical obsession was like a second job—but it kept me busy and it kept me sane: Shortly before my move, my father was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease and given 18 to 24 months to live. Lou Gehrig's broke my heart the way it slurred my father's speech: suddenly, aggressively. My impending loss was compounded by the end of a yearlong relationship with my college sweetheart—together, they made the prospect of a relationship with any man feel unstable and time-stamped. And the only thing that got me through that period was the comfort and support of women—the reassuring phone calls from my mom back in Michigan, the distraction of hour-and-a-half lunches with a girlfriend from work. Trying on the idea of lesbianism was a displacement of my grief, but it also gave me control: I could do away with men altogether before I'd start to care about another one. Wouldn't my life be better if I could rely solely on women?
Once summer changed to fall, a far scarier question crossed my mind: What if I had to accept my heterosexuality—and inevitable heartache at the hands of men? Then, at a party one night, I met a guy who let me beat him at foosball and said my long ponytail was cute. When he sent me a flirty e-mail, I decided to push my fears aside and go for it. Would it last? It didn't really matter. I was back.
Rachel Sturtz lives in New York. This is her first piece for Marie Claire.
The Signs He's Cheating
When you get suspicious that your significant other is cheating, be careful not to appear to be paranoid. You have to walk a fine line — you don't want to make false accusations.
So, while I'm sharing this list of cheating red flags, I concede that it's a tricky situation. It's hard to be sure if someone's cheating, but protect yourself: Be vigilant, and pay attention to your mind and spirit within the relationship. But, at the same time, be careful not to let anxiety lead the way because unnecessary paranoia will just drive your lover away.
Here are some red flags that may signal that your significant other is cheating:
1. Less Sex
Unless he's Superman, he can only have so much sex. So, if he's getting it from another source, you might notice. Whether it's another woman or a porn addiction — even if he's not cheating — a decrease in sex signals serious issues in the relationship.
2. Jumpy Cell Phone Habits
In a perfect world, we'd be open about sharing our correspondence with our significant others. Most of the time, we trust that we don't have to worry about who is texting or calling them. But, if you notice that he is getting protective and/or nervous when he gets calls or texts, it may be cause for alarm.
3. Gushing or Talking About Someone Suddenly
You know that exhilarating feeling you get when you meet someone new and exciting? You want to tell the world about him. One of my exes began talking about a guy a lot near the end of our relationship — he just always seemed to be at her social gatherings that I didn't happen to attend. Sure enough, after she dumped me, she began dating him.
4. Disconnect
Even though relationships ebb and flow naturally, if you're sensing that he's drawing away from you, then there may be someone else. Emotional disconnect should be investigated regardless of whether it's caused by cheating. There's a problem if he's not laughing or seeming as passionate as usual. It's hard to spread love/passion between two people, so the person who used to have it will feel it slipping away if it's being given to someone else.
5. He's Pulling Houdinis
If he's disappearing, traveling, or unavailable to the point where you are starting to wonder, then he could be cheating. Also, these times tend to take on a pattern because it's tough to synch up schedules, especially in secret.
6. Friends Acting Strange
His friends will certainly remain loyal to him in most cases. They will not let you know what's going on, but they will definitely be racked with guilt, and their behavior may change slightly when they are around you while protecting his secret.
7. Caught in Other Lies About Other Things
If you catch him in a lie, your trust will naturally be damaged. Don't hold a grudge — forgiveness is a good thing. You can forgive, but don't forget. If he consistently breaches your trust, it's establishing a pattern of behavior that leads to cheating. Do yourself a favor: If he keeps lying, whether these lies are big or small, get out while you can and don't let him talk his way back in.
8. Been There, Done That
I always say: "Once a cheater, always a cheater." If he's done it before, he's definitely capable of doing it again. It has nothing to do with you, which is why you can't say that he cheated on his previous lover because she didn't keep him happy. Cheating is a self-serving act in which the cheater doesn't take his significant other into consideration. If someone is upfront with you that he's made mistakes in the past, maybe give them a chance — but make it a long probationary period before you let your guard down.
9. Your Gut Tells You So
Don't ignore your sixth sense. People are gifted at sensing when something doesn't feel right. Whether there are red flags in your relationship that are clueing you in or not, if something feels off, don't ignore this feeling. Usually that feeling is right, and something intangible may have led to you figuring it all out.
Do you have any red flags that you'd add to this list? Would you say that you're generally good at figuring cheaters out, or do you seem to find yourself getting cheated on often? What sorts of behaviors do you think are characteristic of someone who could be a cheater?
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