Relationship Advice By David Waters

'Instead of "working" at your relationship, learn to "play"'

David Waters is a couples counsellor and faculty member of The School of Life, where he teaches classes including 'How to Communicate Better in Love’

Be able to reveal vulnerability, even if it feels daunting. When we start a relationship we like to feel in control, powerful even – to protect ourselves from the vulnerability that comes with opening up to a lover. We may carry the hurt from past relationships, so we protect ourselves by trying to appear in control. Yet no relationship was ever deepened by lovers’ attempts to assert themselves over each other – rather, it is through the mutual exploration of their imperfections, fears and anxieties that true connection occurs. It may sound counterintuitive but it’s true.

Change the metaphor that you associate with developing your relationship. Instead of “working” at it, learn to “play”. “Work” feels heavy and makes us think of future struggles, whereas “playfulness” engages the things you associate with good times, childhood comforts and moments of spontaneity. This means that instead of navel-gazing and pondering, you’re coming at the difficult things in life with humour and a lightness of touch. A couple that can laugh together, even mid-row, is in a healthy place.

Learn to spend time alone. Developing a relationship with yourself, deepened by solitary pursuits, hobbies and taking time out from work and relationships, will pay huge dividends with your partner. You will come back to the relationship refreshed, more able to express your needs (as you’re more likely to know what they are). We will always ultimately be a mystery to each other – it’s more healthy for this to be acknowledged, celebrated even, than denied.

Don’t be cruel. According to research, people who sneer, ridicule or talk down to their partner are on a fast track to relationship destruction. Those in successful relationships hardly ever speak to each other that way, even when angry. If you find you want to be cruel to your partner, ask yourself what’s really going on. The fact they haven’t made the bed is never really the issue – it’s far more likely you fear that this means they don’t care about you. Instead of attacking your partner for their laziness, show your true feelings.

Adopt a new narrative. Instead of thinking of your relationship as an arc, with a beginning, middle and an end, try to think of it in terms of the seasons: spring, summer, autumn and winter. Harnessing the idea of seasons can be particularly helpful when couples start a family. Despite the joy that babies bring, they often feel like a bomb going off in a relationship – the exhausting demands of parenthood can feel overwhelming. Yet get through those first few winters of despondency and there will more than likely be the spring of renewal and love rediscovered.

^{Spending time on your own can help your relationship.}