Relationship Advice By Janis Abrahms Spring

'Forgiveness is not a gift - it's a transaction'

Janis Abrahms Spring, a clinical psychologist and family therapist, is the author of 'After the Affair’ and 'How Can I Forgive You?’

If you have been unfaithful, you must be “giving” to your partner in order to reconnect. We get attached not only by what we receive from our partner, but by what we give to them. Thinking about what matters to them, then consciously reaching out with acts of consideration and affection will not only make them feel closer to you, it may help you to feel closer to them.

Explore the root of an affair in order to move past it. If an affair happens, both partners need to explore why it happened, and ask themselves, “What does the affair say about me, my partner, and us?” Maybe one or both of you felt ignored by the other, maybe you felt dead and the affair brought you to life, maybe you were rebelling against the rules of the marriage the way you’ve rebelled against rules your whole life. Promises never to stray again are meaningless unless the “fault lines” within and between partners are addressed.

If you want to reconnect to your partner, you need to turn toward that person and treat them in ways that foster caring and closeness. You won’t figure out if you want to be with your marriage partner by busying yourself with other people or activities. People often want to feel loved by their partner before they begin the hard work of trying to repair their relationship. But I’ve often found that the opposite works: feelings of love may blossom after you've recommitted, taken a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship, and treated your partner in ways that foster trust and intimacy.

Understand the true nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a gift from the heart of a hurt partner – it’s a transaction between the two people held together by a violation. Unfaithful partners must work hard to produce bold, humble, heartfelt acts of repair and take responsibility for the harm they caused. Hurt partners must work hard to encourage their partner to make good, take a share of responsibility for what created a space between them, and allow the injury to recede into the backdrop of their lives.

Work to rebuild intimacy. Becoming sexually intimate is often complicated and challenging, particularly after a troubled time. Both partners need to reach out with tenderness and compassion, recognising they may each feel vulnerable and raw. This is time to take off any pressure to perform and to put aside expectations for high performance and orgasms. The couple’s sexual intimacy will grow if each partner works to warm the space between them with acceptance and affection.